0206 Thinking about the past
I made a better resume and sent it to the aviation company headhunter. And when I finished it, the time was 14:51.
Yesterday, I had a long conversation with my girlfriend after having a meeting with a headhunter and messing it up. She talked to me and made me realize it’s not okay to keep staying in this current situation. I have a lot of things to do. But maybe I should figure out what I really want to do first of all.
I still remember I wanted to go to a better university when I first came to Japan. But at the same time, I didn’t actually know what I wanted to do after coming to Japan. I wanted to come to Japan and it came true, but the next step—I really had no idea. Unfortunately, I chose to escape from finding the answer rather than just enjoying my current life. But I was wrong, people can’t really live their best life without clearly knowing what future they want.
And right now, after doing two years of truly boring work, I want to change. Not only my career path but also my lifestyle. And my mindset about how to live a better life.
Deep down, I yearned to walk a different path than most people. Even now, I have the same opinion. When I was a 4th-year university student studying in Japan and didn’t want to go back to China, I had to make the decision for myself. I didn’t ask for any help even though I’m good at that, and I chose an interesting major in graduate school and went there to live my chill life, without thinking deeply about my future.
The three years when I studied for my master’s degree were really fun and meaningful (at least I think I should say they were meaningful). In my second year, I should have taken action and found a good job, but I didn’t. I wanted to do work related to my major, sports management. But I finally figured out that wasn’t a good choice. I had to make sure I could get a good salary so I could get my visa and continue living here. But there were many ways to do that—I should have acted much earlier, but I think I was accustomed to escaping. And I just let the opportunities slip away.
When I became a salaryman (the Japanese term), I found I couldn’t do what I wanted to do as I’d heard from the boss during the interview—of course he was a fucking liar. But I also wasn’t honest with myself. I kept telling myself this job wasn’t bad, that I had so much time to do my own thing after work. But that’s not what life is. The biggest part of my time aside from sleeping is working, so I should think even more carefully, instead of deceiving myself and continuing to run away. This may be the first time I’ve looked back and thought about my life deeply, not just searching for fun.
About the past, the answer is quite clear. I’m still influenced by my past experiences. I could have stayed with my family and gone to a good high school, then gone to a good university. But I was forced to bear the consequences of the wrong choices made by my parents and relatives. I hate them. I think I’m also running away from them. What happened during my high school years in a small town that was influenced by Hengshui—everyone was so unhappy, including me. That experience definitely changed my whole life.
I was one of the top students, but I still couldn’t get into a good university. That really hurt me. And in the following years, I didn’t even want to try. All I wanted was to come to Japan and live my own life without the stupid family control, to make all my choices by myself and for myself. But I didn’t have the discipline for that. I’d lived alone since high school. When I found I could get top grades even while just playing around, I forgot how to do my best. I also think it’s a kind of fear about trying my best but still not achieving anything. It’s so stupid—not as much as my relatives, but still stupid. People can’t know where their limit is without trying their best.
Failure is not as scary as continuing to be stupid. I’m afraid of failure, but I don’t want to continue being stupid. I should change this time. I should find a real job where I can spend the biggest part of my life without being bored and lost.
These days I was asked by three headhunters what I want to be—how I see my future. I still don’t really know, just like when I was a university student. It’s been a long time since then. I’ll keep thinking about this and give a clear answer as soon as possible.
📖 17:44 Finished reading The Giver chapter 12